I went for a weigh in at TOPS last night.  I stayed with them after my surgery because I like the group and they only charge me a couple of dollars a week for weigh in, so it works for me.  I have missed a few weeks recently, having been away for about 12 weeks in total.  This time, unfortunately, my weight loss was only 6 pounds, so I think it is time for a fill.  The low weight loss was not my only clue that it is fill time.  The fact that I can eat more like two cups of food three times a day, the fact that I don’t need to chew as well, were also indicators that it was time to see the doctor again.  

I just called and my appointment is on Monday, November 3rd at 3:00, so I was lucky to get in so soon!  

I feel happy to have my band.  I look better and feel better, not just physically, but also emotionally better about myself too.  I don’t feel like the fattest woman in the place anymore, I can go to “normal” clothing stores and buy off the rack items in size 12.  If I do find my way into the chocolate bar isle and buy a treat for myself, I can eat it without feeling like people are judging me as a person who has no self-control.  These are  all small but significant steps for me in my journey to self care from the terrible self-loathing that I have felt all of my life.  In the last couple of weeks too, I notice that men notice me.  It is scary, but not nearly so dreadful as when they stopped noticing me.  Ironically, the bigger I got, the more invisible I became.  These days, I feel visible, and that is a wonderful feeling!

So, I am still, very much in love with my band.  It is doing it’s job for me and I recommend it highly, if you think that you can live within it’s restrictions and learn to listen to it when it speaks.

Hi all!

I have been off for a while.  It was not simply that I was neglecting my writing – all of my writing, rather there was a family emergency which kept me away for nearly three months.  While I did have a small lap top with me, I was in the hospital 12 hours a day taking care of the needs of my grandma who was very ill.  Due to the fact that she kept me busy and also that there is a lot going on in the hospital, it was not possible for me to write.  I can only write when my house is clean, my chores are done and also when I have no interruptions.  Apparently, I also need a certain degree of familiarity.

So, how is my weight loss going?  I am still sliding down.  It is not exactly a downward ride on a razor blade.  Nothing fast, messy or painful about it, actually – the band is working for me slow and steady, just as it is supposed to.  

I hit an important little milestone a few days ago.  I went from having enough weight (BMI) that my fat was “a very high risk to my health” to my fat being only “a high risk to my health”.  In other words I lost the word VERY and in this case I am happy!  

I am not so happy that I am celebrating with an entire chocolate cake, but calmly happy.  I am still off the food frenzy.  Food no longer steals my focus, takes over my life.  It is not an obsession; however, I do begin to think about sex more.  Quite a lot more, actually.  This is a bit worrisome but I did ask about cross addiction and the doctor assured me that cross addiction is simply “an Oprah syndrome” that does not exist in any scientific research whatsoever.  Nor he said has he seen it in the thousands of clients that he has performed this surgery on.  

So, maybe I just wanna look at boys, cause I feel better!