My grandfather Robert Rickards, used to say “by-gaul-darn-it-all-the-heck!” which I never heard anyone ever say before, then, or since and though I tried it on for size a few times just to keep the statement alive and well in the family, it never really fit me as it did him. My food issues, these never really fit me either, but they stuck to me and I never was able to get rid of them. So, as you know, if you read me before, I took control.

The interesting thing is that recently, I have been outing myself as a “bandster“, to some people who live in the neighbourhood, and they, sometimes have looked at me as though I am half nuts – the big question behind the oggles is “why the heck would you spend so much money on this surgery, when you are not THAT MUCH over weight?” They never ask me but I see it… that $16,000 question… thick as pea soup hanging on their face. I guess I could answer the unasked question, but instead I will write about it here, where it is easier to explain without sounding preachy or over-educated, too contrived, or over analyzed… just easier.

The first response is that I know how to dress in order to look thinner which helps me take off 20 pounds to the eye. The second thing is that as a person who has gone up and down, up and down, my fat is simply much more condensed than it is on people who are simply over weight and who have lived with it. This phenomenon gives the impression that I am another ~15 pounds lighter than I am. Therefore, I am about 35 pounds heavier than most people ever imagine me to be.

This is a bit boring but I think worth getting your head around if you are interested in the health issues.

My BMI when I started was 38.79 before surgery and now it is 36.13.

I am NOT “super obese (40-49.99 BMI)”,

or “morbidly obese (over 50 BMI)”,

but I am still in the category of “severely obese (35-40 BMI)”

and have 7 more pounds to lose before I fit into the class of just the simply “obese (30-35 BMI)” which is a BMI of under 35.

I have to lose an additional 35 pounds before I am simply “overweight (25-30 BMI)”,

and to get to a “healthy weight (18.5-25 BMI)” I need to lose 64 pounds, but when people look at me they think she needs to lose 25 or 35 pounds. Perhaps this is because of the way that I dress, the way that my body is shaped or compressed, or because they simply don’t realize just what too fat looks like due to the obesity epidemic. I don’t know. Really. Few people truly understand my rationality. They can’t see the associated health risks looming over my head when they look at me – normally I am not quite fat enough to be laughed at or stared at, or to have the sympathy that a few rare people feel towards the fat. I am only fat enough to feel the discomfort in my skin, joints, breathing and movement. The pain in trying to fit clothing, look nice, feel good about my self, or even to make and keep plans… these are a normal part of my life for the last 20 years. But still most cannot see why I would spend so much money, deal with the pain of surgery, or even worry about it so much. The catch here is that many more still think I should simply get on the treadmill, or stop putting the fork in my mouth… after all I should be in control of my own body! I wish it was as simple as that! I have prayed, beaten myself up, cried, hated myself, wished I would die and get it over with, joined every darn weight loss club, and fad, and gym going – but the truth is I just could not find the power to overcome the intoxicating effect that food has had over me.

I had to try just for myself.

For me?

Yes!

So!

Here I am!

Hello world!

And, by-gaul-darn-it-all-the-heck!

I deserve to live without the health risks of being severely obese! I deserve the body that is “normal” even if I have to go beyond what everyone considers to be “normal”. If you don’t like it and don’t think I “really need” it… too bad! You are wrong! I deserve all the great things that come to me just as much as any other human being on this planet. I will overcome this issue which stands in the way of my leading my life in the way that I know it can be lead.

I am a bandster and it cost me $16,000!