Our youngest is moving out of home this month. He is three years old. When he moves he will take our five year old and our nine year old with him. Our home will be empty, save our 21 year old and our four dogs. It is almost totally bitter when your children leave home, even if they are not your biological kids. These kids, Kitsy, Trity and Vovey, as I have nicknamed them, have been with us for a year and a half. For all those days and weeks my poor-long-suffering-husband and I have taken care of all of the needs that they experienced. The good mornings, the cuddles, the kisses, the laundry, the meals, the constant banter was our job and now, suddenly it will come to an end.
The question is, what happens next? What will fill the giant hole that is left in our lives? When you are a mom, even if the children are not yours and even if you knew that they would only be with you for a set period of time, there is still a huge chasm left when your children are all suddenly gone.
Don’t misunderstand me! I am happy for the children and for their mom, who I understand and feel compassionately for. I am glad that this little family will finally be together as they should be. I know that they are safe, loved, cared for and will be happy at home with their biological mom and I recognize too that I am only a foster mom. A substitute who has done the very best that I can for them and who I believe will be in the lucky position of being able to continue to see the kids. Nonetheless, it will be changed forever. I will be a babysitter, a grandma, a friend of the family and I will forever have to face up to the knowledge that I will never, ever be mom again. That this bridge is crossed.
How will my life unfold from one day to the next? I guess that no one really knows… but for me… recently free of my vice… the world seems open and strange as I step into this unknown new world and I can only hope is to rely on my great loves… Husband, children and sisters can you help to guide me through to a new place as I struggle to secure my up coming identity?
