The first fill is now under my belt, so to speak.  It was NOT a nice experience, but I understand from the nurse who did it that what happened to me today was NOT normal.  

I went in to the office, was weighed – I am up 2.4 pounds in the last two weeks, again normal and she asked me to lay down while she did the fill.  She put the saline into the syringe and found the port in my tummy and said it would not hurt but just be a pressure and then the needle.  NOT SO!  The needle REALLY HURT!  It hurt me so much that I was squealing like a wee pig, and tears squeezed out of my eyes despite my desire to be brave.  She asked me if she should take the needle out and I said “YES”.  

While I lay with croc tears spilling out of my unrelenting eyes, the nurse asked me if I had a low pain tolerance.  I told her, no, I had a tummy tuck, C-section, teeth pulled, boobs chopped off and I even go regularly for accupunture so needles don’t bother me and I normally don’t even take pain pills after surgery – though I did after the lap banding due to the phlebitis being painful.  Anyway, she said that I must have some scar tissue or something there and thought if she tried a new location that it may not be so bad.

After taking a couple of minutes to calm down, wipe my eyes and gather myself (recover from the shock and pain) I asked her to try again and this time – nothing!  No discomfort, no pain, just a little pin point and that was it, the fill was done!  She added one ml. of fluid in my port and asked me to come back in two weeks.  She also said that slow and steady is the way that they like to go and that I may need more fills – but that some people do not need more than this so they don’t like to over fill since this could create a blockage.  I told her thank you for letting me know, but that I had read every paper that they sent plus a lot of other material on the subject, so I was very informed. She was really nice – despite having nearly killed me with pain!  

Thankfully, she added a note to my file that my port will need to be pushed over 1 cm before they fill me again.  I hope that the next time they understand this clearly because I do NOT want to have that happen again!

I will let you know how the eating goes now.  It will take a week or so before I know really if it is working. 

Added note from the morning after: I woke up with a bruise about the size of a quarter on my tummy.  Still not sure what happened but only hurts now if I touch it.

Today I will take the trip to Mississauga for my first fill.  For those who are not up on bandster lingo, a fill is the term given to the amount of fluid used inside of the lap-band in order to control both the feeling of satiety as well as the size of the hole between ones pouch and ones stomach, which makes food restriction possible.  

A fill is done simply by putting saline into a needle and injecting it into the port site, which in my case is just in the middle of my tummy, just about at my belt line.  It is for this adaptability that I chose to go for the lap band tool for weight loss.  As opposed to other forms of weight loss surgery, the lap band is adjustable for the life of the lap-band.

I feel both nervous and excited about my first fill.  I am not sure what to expect. Does it hurt or is it uncomfortable?  I can’t eat just before it is being done and afterward I need to go back to liquid and then soft foods for a while which is perfectly fine.  I understand that the objective of the fill is to give me the feeling of satiety that I had after my surgery.  The problem is that for each individual the amount of the fill is totally unique and sometimes getting it perfect is time consuming because it can take several attempts to get it exactly right.  

I hope that I am an exception.  I hope that I will go for my first fill and it will be just right!  I am really looking forward with hope at the days ahead!  I already feel so much better.  I no longer require medicine for high cholesterol.  My skin looks better and I am a little smaller than I was initially.  I hope that this goes well today so that I can continue down the road to smallville!

Yes, sometimes we bandsters need to expect things to come up, quite literally.  I did my homework though and I am pretty careful about chewing so this has not been too much of a problem for me.  Yesterday we went for Japanese.  I ordered a seaweed salad and, let me tell you, this did NOT AGREE with the band at all.  It made my esophagus contract, it hurt me a lot, It really HURTS.  I was sliming and paining and sliming some more, doubled over and out to dinner with other people so I felt very awkward.  Three trips to the bathroom in a tiny little restaurant, was very embarrassing, and did not go unnoticed by other guests nor the staff!  The fat anorexic chick????  I don’t know what they thought! 

I had eaten about two or three tablespoons of the salad in total and due to the esophageal reflex and reflux, I could not eat the sushi, the wonderful grilled fish or meats – nothing at all.  It was a buffet too – so the thing is that $20 for dinner when you eat only a few bites was an expensive lesson.  

The literature that I had did let me know that most bandsters cannot eat asparagus and even some people have a hard time with celery, but seaweed salad, this was not mentioned.  I guess, I should have guessed, since it is rather tough and rubbery.  Silly me!

I suggest to all you bandsters out there reading this, if you want to try it, don’t do it at a buffet and for sure not when others are around!

Have you had this happen and how did you handle it?

I am finding it difficult to blog at the moment.  This is because I have entered the period of time known to bandsters as “two weeks of hell”!  It is the period where your appetite returns but where your stomach is not yet healed enough to have a fill.  What happens during the “two weeks of hell” period is the buyers remorse.  This is because you want to eat again, can eat again, and therefore you start to gain back (or gain back) the weight that you already lost.  The trick this week is to actually go on a diet… which of course… everyone knows… I have not been so successful at this before, so please don’t hold your breath!  The day before yesterday the cheesecake cravings came back full blast, right at me!  Remember, I have been cheesecake free now for a few weeks and now the the appetite back, I start to think about that cold, fresh, sweet, melty, creamy, delectable, yummy, fantastically wonderful, chocolate, fruity, smooth, delicious treat again.  I am thinking about yummy things a lot!  My mind is fogged again by food thoughts.  I explain, just incase you could not tell by my adjective filled description of cheesecake.

I am still actually salivating because the cheesecake desire is so strong, so overwhelming that I don’t have a lot of mental capacity left to actually give my full mental capacity to writing, being a mom, a wife, a pet mommy, a housekeeper or whatever it is that I am called on to be.  Food is taking over the space in my head again.  

For those of you who suffer from this illness, you understand!  You full well know why this is called two weeks of hell.  You know this fog that we live under.  You get how after experienced nearly three weeks of freedom from this revolting preoccupation with food, how mean it is to have it back again nearly as strong as before.  Mean, mean, mean!

It is no wonder why bandsters become terribly preoccupied by the fill.  Honestly, I nearly cried when I found out that the appointments were booked and that I would have to wait an extra four days for my first fill. I am suffering again with my addiction and I wish that I could just sleep through the next two weeks!

Since the last time that I write about the weight loss that I experienced after becoming a bandster, my losses pretty much came to a stand still.  I was staring to feel a bit sad about that; however, today I just thought I would check my measurements and was very pleased with the results.  It seems that my waist is down to 19 cm since the operation which is really very impressive for just under a three week time frame!  This said, I have always had a good waist line, small in proportion to the rest of me.  I’ve always been one of those people who gains weight everywhere – I am not an apple or pear shaped person – but fat all over the place.  This being said, I still have a long way to go in order to get my body back to the place where it should be.  After my son was born and I lost my baby weight, my waist was 60 cm; I have quite some distance to travel before I find this waist again!  Lets not lose sight though!  I lost 19 cm on my waist!  19 cm!  Isn’t that great!

My neighbor Earl, who happens to be a clown, came by yesterday to get a look at me.  He said that I was looking good and that particularly my face was looking significantly slimmer. He added though, that I should get out in the sun since I was white as a ghost.  He is one of those tanners with browned skin that is the shade of a good quality leather couch where as I am pink as a baby pig and burn like barn fire when I go out in the sun.  So, I think I will stick with my ghostly shade of white, thank you very much!  Sun burns are not good for a girl’s aging process after all!

I am not allowed to eat solid food until next Friday; however, I can eat now – pretty much normally – with small bites a loads of chewing.  I called in to the clinic yesterday and Nicole answered my call – she seemed in my opinion, to be a bit of a snippy bitch, to tell you the truth.  She gave me an ear full for eating soft chicken, salads and rice noodles.  She said “your doctor told you to follow a certain plan of eating and you need to listen.  This is NOT the time that you should be testing your band!” and it was not what she said but the way that she said it.  I hate taking direction from people who are rude as hell.  I will make an attempt never to get her on the phone again and pity the poor people who have her assigned to their case!  

What do you do when you have to deal with people like that?  For me it is all about avoiding them next time.  Do you think I should take a harder stance and complain about the way she speaks to clients?  I did spend $16,000 dollars with them, after all.  This being said, did I mention that I lost 19 cm from my waist?

 

June 16th – OK… I just found out from the dietician that (bitchy) Nicole is new there… so in context of our conversation last week… she probably does not get the whole thing yet… I will cut her a break this time and not complain – but I WILL BE KEEPING this first little faux pas on my mind (and blog) should there be another later example of bad attitude on her part.  Not a bad tool for keeping evidence – speaking of bitches… if the shoe fits, right?  

My tummy has those little bobos from the surgery that I had on the 23rd of last month.  There is one little spot, about the size of a pencil eraser that has not healed yet.  Last Thursday it started to hurt.  Not a big hurt but still it changed and has been getting a little bit more uncomfortable every day.  Today when I woke up that little spot was surrounded by red so I assumed that I had a little infection.  I put a little antibiotic cream on the bobo, but today it just kept getting sorer, then tonight it opened and a knot came out.  I cut the knot off and put some more antibiotic on the bobo.  It feels significantly better now – and I hope that by the morning I will be back to normal.

Have you ever seen knots landing?

 

My issues with food are something that I come by quite naturally.  As with, I think, all families, ours has had it’s own individual operational difficulties.  These brought me to food.  What makes our operational difficulties so stressful is that individually we see things from very different perspectives and we are a family who express ourselves.  

My husband’s family get along really well.  They never say, or I believe, even think an unkind thing about one-another.  I have never seen them say one negative thing to one another.  They do not fight, argue, rant, curse, go on, slam doors, scream, cry or even raise their voices when they spend time together.  It is peaceful and wonderful to go there, since we always laugh and have a wonderful visit.  Stress free!  

My family however – at least immediately – there is this underlying difficulty that has been with us all our lives and this issue stays between us, like a blister between your favorite new shoe and your foot.  Even though you love the shoe, the blister is omnipresent, and it just hurts so much that you can’t ignore it.  The sad thing in our case is that the blister is the head injury that my poor mom had when she was a child.  The injury made her exhibit some unusual and painful behaviors.  She was different because of it.  Not only was she quite unique but she exhibited very different behaviors in different situations and very different behaviors with different individuals.  

Nothing with mom was ever gray as it is with most people.  This fine definition was lost to mom.  She loved and hated to the extreme.  She saw the world in terms of black and white.  If you were not mom’s best friend, for example, you were her enemy.  If you did not help her, you were probably (in her mind) out to get her.  At least, this is how I saw it.  Mom loved to garden, fish and spend time with her daddy.  Mom was quite a talented musician and song writer.  Mom did not like people to disagree with her and she did not have total recall due to this injury, so she had to confabulate perhaps 30% of her life, therefore agreeing with her was not always easy.  The fact is, that for me, agreeing with mom was nearly next to impossible!  Mom thought people who drink were all suspect to have alcoholism, people who did things that she would not do were malicious and suspect as well.  It was hard for her to understand people so she became quite isolated.

The thing about her death is that all of us interpreted mom in our own way – and by all of us I mean everyone she ever met.  We loved her; we hated her.  We laughed with her; we laughed at her.  We cried for her; we cried because of her. We enjoyed time with her; we avoided her.  We applauded her talent; despised her lack of understanding.  It was not clear cut, how one experienced mom from day to day, month to month, or year to year.  Furthering this is that now, after her death, this need of ours to discuss, agree and understand is hurting us; by us I mean those who are close to her.  

I believe that the only way we can go on as an intact family is to speak about our mom; but to understand that we will not agree on how things were, and how we saw things.  We must, I think, agree to disagree – but more than this we must agree to never disrespect the other’s understanding of how it was.  We need to understand, between ourselves that what we say, and how we interpreted the experiences, is not a reflection of the other’s experience.  

Frankly, it would be impossible for us to agree on mom, because mom was (if anything) one of the most complex individuals that one could ever meet.  The head injury, though, omnipresent, was NOT the sum of the whole.  Mom was fiercely intent.  Intelligent to the point of genius.  Funny to the point of hysterics.  Talented, well read, and in pain; her pain was physical, spiritual, and mental pain that could be felt when one took the time to see past her initial warmth.  She had a life of suffering but she was not above causing suffering herself.  It is this… the suffering that she caused that we cannot come to terms with.  This though, her suffering, the suffering that she created, is the thing that we must acknowledge before we can have it go away.  So, while I am thankful that mom no longer lives in pain and chaos.  Her legacy is the chaos left between us and I am not even remotely thankful for this.  I wish that we had the peace that my husband’s family has!   

Today, I say to you.  That while I may not understand all that is your internalized understanding of time spent with mom, I do respect that it is yours and I do not disagree with you about this it, I only tell you that it is yours and yours alone.  For me, the oldest, my thinking on the subject, is also mine, and mine alone. 

I wonder if any of my readers have had the experience of living with a loved one who has suffered a head injury or mental illness?

This past weekend, I went to see my sisters, get some perennials from my late mom’s garden and help with the tidy up at her home.  I also went to Kingston, just to celebrate the fact that I, finally, paid my very last student loan payment.   I wanted to buy dinner for my sisters and a few close friends as a way of marking the end of 100K in debt.  Dinner and Tracie Morgan’s show were totally wonderful.  I think it was interesting for my friends and family to see my new way of eating and also to see my little weight loss success.  Clothing is a little loose on me now so this begins to show.  Unfortunately my friend Jimmy could not make it until later (work) but he joined us at mom’s house after and played guitar for us, so no complaints.  I love to hear Jimmy play.  I also love to see him play.  I guess, truth be known, I love a lot of stuff about Jimmy.

Jimmy, he has always been my hero.  He steps up whenever I am in need and comes to me like a knight in shining armor to help me out.  In true Jimmy fashion, yet again, he stepped up to help by bringing us this wonderful huge trailer to put mom’s junk on and as well he is helping out by taking care of the dryer issue which was wired wrong and needed fixing so that no one would be electrocuted.  I am thankful for him – but not just because he is always there for me, but just because he is.  Steady, gentle and creative, a big handsome rock of a man, nearly as dear to me as my own self – there is no one like him.  This said, everyone needs to have a Jimmy in their life, but few are lucky enough to have such sought after individuals as friends.  I for one count myself as a very lucky individual, if only based on this friendship which has carried me through a lot of hard times.  His friendship too, has given me a lot of fun, laughs and great meals filled with wonderful conversation.

Today, even as I am back in Spamilton, he is in Kingston with my sister helping take care of things for me.  So Jimmy, if you are out in blog land, I hope that your obstacles are few and that you get a lot of good love going your way.  I also hope that you can feel all the good vibes that come your way every day, for, from as far away as I have been at times – I am always thinking about you.  I can’t imagine a life without you.  Hey Jimmy!  Have you thought about marrying my sister?

I am off this weekend to see my sisters in Kingston. All of them. I have not seen my youngest sister who is actually a half sister for a long, long while. Family can be, and is in my case, infinitely complex.

We bring the four dogs, but the children will have a long visit with their mommy. It is my husband and I flying solo, so to speak.

James will stay at the house with his special friend Bailey, so this will be fun for him I a sure!

Since my late-mom’s home is not wired, I will not be blogging but I think I will have some feedback when I get home here on Sunday.

What are you doing this weekend

Like that unwelcome demon in the scary movie whose name I can’t recall my hunger is here again. Don’t worry, it is totally normal for this point post-op to start to feel hunger again! Still, I can’t help but feel frieghtened by it. Hunger bothers me like it does some people, nails on a chalkboard, or in the case of my poor-long-suffering-husband – styrofoam. Of course I tease my love by playing with styrofoam whenever a bit comes into our home, just as he eats and eats all night long. So what am I going to do with this hunger of mine while it remains – pre-fill.

What is pre-fill? Sounds like something that you put in your car before you pump gas in it… and in a way it is similar. The fill is the reason that I chose to go the route of the band. The thing is adjustable. When you have just had surgery, and are going to swell, they do not fill it up.  Later as the swelling goes down, they fill it up and try to get the amount right depending on your body. My swelling is going down now so this is why I start to feel hungry. I will feel hungry now until I get my fill which is done FOUR WEEKS after the  surgery. The fill will tighten up the balloon in my band so that food takes longer to digest and the feeling of satiety stays with me. It typically takes a few tries before the fill is exactly right in each patient, but the objective is the same with each patient. Give them the feeling of satiety that they experienced (for the first time) post-op.

I am pre-fill, so I start to feel hunger again, you see? Now… it is my job, to stay in control, stay out of the cheesecake and cookies, chocolate bars and treats as not to undo how far I have already come since my surgery.

The question is, do you think I can make it?  I am pretty darned hungry!