I had my surgery on May 28, 2008 and now I give you a quick annual photograph.  This was taken almost exactly one year after having lap banding done.  I would still like to take off 20-30 pounds but already I look better, and feel better too!

I think that everyone can agree on that!

Here I am 10 months post op

I am down 40 pounds since I had my lap banding surgery done last year.  I feel significantly thinner and healthier.  I believe that this surgery turned back my life years too.  By this I mean that I will get to live a lot longer than if I would have kept going on and accepting the status quo.  

I am glad that I went ahead, but there are weird things that I did not expect to see and that I am not happy with.  Recently I asked my doctor for a referral to a medical weight loss centre so that I can, hopefully, deal with some of the oddities that I am experiencing.  I don’t know if they will be best dealt with emotionally, physically or psychologically; this is why I feel that I need some help because I am not sure what to do about these things or even if anything needs to be done at all.

The weird things are that I don’t know what hungry feels like – I have a very difficult time recognizing what real hunger feels like.  I am forgetting to eat now because the stomach does not send any singles to my brain, I think.  Anyway, what is happening is that I go from zero to 100 in three seconds.  In other words, I don’t know that I am hungry, I have forgotten and then suddenly I am so hungry that I can’t wait a second to eat, it is difficult to take the time to chew my food.  If feel ravenous and like I could eat like a dog!  Just one or two big gulps of whatever I can sink my teeth into.  I think this is weird.  It does not feel normal to me.  Is it?

The other thing that is making me uncomfortable is that my sugar addiction has not gone away but rather it has intensified.  I eat a lot of chocolate.  A LOT!  10-20 full sized chocolate bars a week.  I would like to stop eating sugar, but don’t know how to do this… I know, I know!  It is not good for me! I will become diabetic!  It is bad for your teeth!  There is no food value!  Chocolate is a food that is connected to the suffering of third world peoples!  It gives you pimples!  

I have heard it all!  I can’t even justify it by saying that I love dark chocolate which of course has some health benefits… no, for me it is Cadbury milk chocolate… This is my absolute favorite yumminess!  I would like to get away from it – but for me one is too many and a thousand is not enough, and I have tried quitting and failed so many times… maybe a doctor can help me?

The next issue is that I am sagging – I have a little neck waddle and some little jowls beginning.  I also have a lot of extra skin on my tummy which I think when I lose 10-20 more pounds will be totally empty dangling skin, that will flap around in a wind storm like a flag announcing my patronage to the food like some inappropriate connection to the illness that I have always suffered with.  

Anyway… still, it is 40 and there is still some to go… so I will see how the appointment goes and see how the rest coming off affects me.

 

This is me before my surgery, I was not happy with the way that I looked so I don’t have a lot of photos… The dog I have is Imp, and the photo is edited to make her ears look even bigger than they are, which is huge!  I think she may be part Donkey!

 

 

On May 23rd 2008 I had Lap banding done.  

Here is a photo of me six months post-op.  The weight is coming off slowly but steadily.  I am about half way to my desired weight.  I look and feel a lot better!

Note: in my hands is Little Minnie, she is one of my four dogs.  Since my surgery only 1/2 of them can fit on my lap, so the other two and have to sit beside me on the chair.  My lap is the most coveted spot in the house, so this weight loss is VERY problematic for my little dogs!

Please don’t call the Humane Society on me!  I rotate my little K-9’s to the best of my ability!

On May 23, 2008 I had lap band surgery.  Now, just two short days less than 25 weeks, I found that I am down 32 pounds.  So what?  

There are actually several answers to the “so what” question.   

I can comfortably shop in regular stores now.

I can eat in public without feeling judged.

I can get dressed in the morning without hating myself.

I can take a photo of myself and think I look good in it.

I can meet people, who I have not seen in a long time, and enjoy the experience as opposed to hating myself the entire time, for being so fat.

I can meet new people and not feel like I am wearing my food addition around my neck like a junkie carries shakes.

I can forget to mow my front lawn without worrying that my neighbours think me, fat and lazy.

I can get in bed with my husband and not worry about him thinking that I am a repulsive blob.

The big “so what” then is encompassed due to the fact that my daily experience is better.  I know what you are thinking… that a lot of my suffering has come from my own judgement.  You, of course, might be right, but these things have been learned by mirroring those around me and this mirror person is my voice of self loathing and now she is slightly quieter.  

I think that the bitch might be starving!  

Isn’t that great?

Today, I have to go for another fill.  I am afraid!  My hands are sweating and I am freaking out!  I hate fills!  They hurt!

AAAUUUGHHH!

I know I need it.  I am not losing weight now for a couple of weeks and I am hungry between meals, but I swear, it is a lot of work for me to go!  A lot of self love and self pressure makes me go.  But to face pain… I just hate it!

 

How do you deal, when you have to deal with doing things that you just don’t like?

I went for a weigh in at TOPS last night.  I stayed with them after my surgery because I like the group and they only charge me a couple of dollars a week for weigh in, so it works for me.  I have missed a few weeks recently, having been away for about 12 weeks in total.  This time, unfortunately, my weight loss was only 6 pounds, so I think it is time for a fill.  The low weight loss was not my only clue that it is fill time.  The fact that I can eat more like two cups of food three times a day, the fact that I don’t need to chew as well, were also indicators that it was time to see the doctor again.  

I just called and my appointment is on Monday, November 3rd at 3:00, so I was lucky to get in so soon!  

I feel happy to have my band.  I look better and feel better, not just physically, but also emotionally better about myself too.  I don’t feel like the fattest woman in the place anymore, I can go to “normal” clothing stores and buy off the rack items in size 12.  If I do find my way into the chocolate bar isle and buy a treat for myself, I can eat it without feeling like people are judging me as a person who has no self-control.  These are  all small but significant steps for me in my journey to self care from the terrible self-loathing that I have felt all of my life.  In the last couple of weeks too, I notice that men notice me.  It is scary, but not nearly so dreadful as when they stopped noticing me.  Ironically, the bigger I got, the more invisible I became.  These days, I feel visible, and that is a wonderful feeling!

So, I am still, very much in love with my band.  It is doing it’s job for me and I recommend it highly, if you think that you can live within it’s restrictions and learn to listen to it when it speaks.

Hi all!

I have been off for a while.  It was not simply that I was neglecting my writing – all of my writing, rather there was a family emergency which kept me away for nearly three months.  While I did have a small lap top with me, I was in the hospital 12 hours a day taking care of the needs of my grandma who was very ill.  Due to the fact that she kept me busy and also that there is a lot going on in the hospital, it was not possible for me to write.  I can only write when my house is clean, my chores are done and also when I have no interruptions.  Apparently, I also need a certain degree of familiarity.

So, how is my weight loss going?  I am still sliding down.  It is not exactly a downward ride on a razor blade.  Nothing fast, messy or painful about it, actually – the band is working for me slow and steady, just as it is supposed to.  

I hit an important little milestone a few days ago.  I went from having enough weight (BMI) that my fat was “a very high risk to my health” to my fat being only “a high risk to my health”.  In other words I lost the word VERY and in this case I am happy!  

I am not so happy that I am celebrating with an entire chocolate cake, but calmly happy.  I am still off the food frenzy.  Food no longer steals my focus, takes over my life.  It is not an obsession; however, I do begin to think about sex more.  Quite a lot more, actually.  This is a bit worrisome but I did ask about cross addiction and the doctor assured me that cross addiction is simply “an Oprah syndrome” that does not exist in any scientific research whatsoever.  Nor he said has he seen it in the thousands of clients that he has performed this surgery on.  

So, maybe I just wanna look at boys, cause I feel better!

For those of you who are familiar with Iz – you will know that obesity is the disease that he died of.  Today, I am listening to him sing his compilation of Somewhere over the rainbow/What a wonderful world as I write.  His sweet tender voice, caught me when I first heard him, which ironically were on a TV ad where a mom and child were cooking together.  I googled the song and found it on U tube with a cartoon and still I did not know his story but I knew enough to order his CD at a little CD shop that does special orders of unique music here in Hamilton, Ontario.

I don’t know if when I first heard him that I could hear his pain coming through but these days, I believe that I hear pain when I listen to him sing. The cover for his album Future is also predictive of his death.  He knew that he would be beaten by food.  His huge body already dependent on oxygen for survival and also unable to sleep horizontally is wrapped in a traditional Hawaiian cloth as he faces out over an ocean rainbow is sadly beautiful.  I felt that way too and when I discovered the lap band, for the first time I thought my rainbow will be farther away than I ever expected.  I wonder if Iz would have known, if he could have paid for one… if insurance would have supported him.

For me, the battle is no longer up hill, my rainbow is one of hope and years of additional life with my loved ones here on earth.  Every week I feel smaller and along with this comes energy, hope and a feeling of security that I have rarely felt.  I write today for those of you who still feel as Iz did, no matter what addiction it is that has you in it’s grasp, and offer you an alternative rainbow.

I am off to see my grandma in Kingston, so I won’t be writing or checking in for a few days.  I hope all my readers have a nice week.